Week 11 Writing Exercise

Insecurity

Insecurity is faced almost everyday by every single human beings. It is a kind of natural feelings deep inside that only the person himself or herself can deeply feel and experience.

The kind of insecurity that you feel and the kind of insecurity that I feel are not always the same. I believe insecurity has different kinds of forms and depths and widths. It all depends on the situation and the person who experience it.

I feel insecurity and fear the most when im being in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is now working in Malaysia, and i'm now in Perth. The distance between us both sometimes make me feel the sense of losing him anytime soon. When he is away to work, or has gone clubbing with his friends, i always wonder, if he is gonna miss me, if any other girls are gonna flirt with him. I also fear that he might speed when he is driving, not being careful at work, not knowing how to take good care of himself, etc. There is simply just too much to talk about. I understand that being in a long distance relationship is not easy, it all depends on trust, faith and most of all love. When i feel insecure, or fear, i don't think i don't have the elements of trust, faith and love in my relationship, i think, it is because of the distance.
Knowing the fact that I'm not physically there for him, and we are so far apart, i know there are many times that i am not "in control" of many things that might happen. Not being in control has often caused me fear.

Another moment that i feel insecure is during presentation. The sense of insecurity often comes when i feel that i've lacked of preparation, or the classmates do not really give me response, hardly answer my question, etc. I feel deep inside that maybe i have not done a good job, maybe my speech is boring, or do they even understand or agree with what i've spoken about?! Most of the time insecurity happens to me when i'm unfamiliar with the subject. And i guess this is SO GONNA HAPPEN TO ME NEXT WEEK as i'm gonna present for my idea for a game. Gaming is SO NOT MY CUP OF TEA, but still i'm gonna give it a go as i believe i need more exploring around this area. Sometimes later i might be able to understand why there are so many people who are into games.

When i am fully prepared and know my subject well, mostly i will not feel nervous or insecure. I know i'm gonna do a good job and score above average marks, then i feel confident. However, the first few minutes is crucial. I will always try to arrive early to set up the equipment like test my thumbdrive to see if my work is still there, try the speakers, etc. I believe this is an action from the sense of insecurity as well. We just want to make sure that nothing turns out wrong. It's the fear of having to make mistakes or ruin the whole presentation.

Before i forget i better mention that i am afraid of HEIGHT! I feel so insecure when i look down from a high rise building or something. To share my experience, i once joined a wilderness camp in Langkawi (an island in Malaysia). One of the tasks is to walk across a tiny metal string. Of course they do have some safety things going on like wrapping me around with some sort of security thingy that i have no ideas what that is called. The rule is, i have to open up my hands, not holding on anything and just walk across. Mind u, the height is about THREE STOREYS TALL! i totally freaked out when it's my turn to walk over. I keep holding on the string that ties on to me for safety purposes, not willing to let go. When the instructors told me to open up my arms, i still kept holding on and as a result, the instructors pulled the line and I WAS HANGED THERE, ON AIR! Seriously, i felt like CURSING at that moment! I am seriously afraid of height and having the need to hang in the air for so long is totally torturing for me. I don't know how to get up, don't know how to continue walking on and i just hang there and cried for almost half an hour i guess. How stupid, i know! But please, walking on a string, about the height of three storey is totally not easy for me. I fear that i might just trip and die. What if i really fall and no one is down there to help me, what if i just accidentally break my arms or legs. There is lots of "what if" going through my mind as i am forced to step out from my "comfort zone". I believe it is always not nice for anyone to just step out from the "comfort zone". Again, it means things are not in my control and i feel the fear, or the insecurity.