Time flies. It is already the 14th week of the semester, and it's gonna mark the end of the semester soon.
It is already my third year final sem in this uni, yet i feel like i'm still very far behind of what i should have been done.
I'm slacking, behind schedule, not achieving things that i should have already achieved at this age.
I still have couples of final assignments going on, most of them are due this week, or early next week.
I'm still very much struggling through the process of completing them. Stressful mind, tired body. What can i do?
I'm taking up FTV courses as my major in the degree, but throughout the three years i have not developed even a little bit interest in this course. Worse still, i begin to hate it so much and feel so sick of it.
Perhaps i'm just not a creative person. Film and television has so much to do with creativity and for me, it is a burden to my mind. I have to come out with scripts and proposals so often, watch series and series of movies that sometimes would even make me fall asleep. I have to carry those heavy damn boxes, weaponed with cameras, lighting equipments, tripod and so on to go for a few days of shooting that will finally end up will a mere 5 minute video.
For me that is just too much work. Imagine doing shooting for hours continuously in a few days, carrying the heavy equipments. Trying hard to please the tutors and most of all the clients. Reshoot, retake and re-edit. In the end, the result might or might not be pleasant. Sometimes clients may like it, sometimes they may not. The most ironic part of all is, few days of shooting results in a 5-minute long video. That is hopeless and not being productive.
I have yet to hand in 3 scripts for another FTV course. Not knowing the subject itself is definitely not helping me to get any ideas to get the work done. The group leader who is supposed to communicate with the client to get the other groupmates the information is not doing her job properly. She does not know what to ask and what to get from the client, for instance, even the most important yet simple thing like the target audiences and purpose of the videos, she did not get it right. Worse still, the client himself does not know what he wants either, and certainly did not provide us with enough information and insight to get the job done.
The scripts are due tomorrow, Friday the 30th. I have yet to start writing as i really have no clear directions of what to write and how to make it interesting. Oh well, forget about it.
In the beginning i picked up FTV just because i have to make a choice between FTV and journalism. At the first glance, journalism sounds really boring to me and i definitely would not like to spend the rest of my life sitting in front of the computer, writing my ass off. So, i chose FTV.
The first 2 years of this course was done in Malaysia. The university obviously does not provide us with really good learning platform. I would say the lecturers are of so-so quality. The equipments for shooting are also very limited. And the part that i hate the most is, it seems really hard to score good marks/grades in FTV!!!
Everytime the result is released, i'll compare what i've got with my friends'. It is really a bad thing to discover that almost EVERYONE in the class is only able to get a passing grade, or a credit. Only a few of them, like maybe 1% of the class is able to get a slightly better grade. So tell me, what is so difficult? Are we really that bad? or is the standard too high? or simply, we do not know what the lecturers want? This is also one of the reasons why i hate FTV so much, it pulls down my overall grade every semester. While other subjects i manage to get a distinction, ftv is always at the passing border or just a credit. That is ridiculous, especially when that is my MAJOR module in this degree.
Hatred. Why is studying so tiring? I thought it is supposed to be fun and interesting being a university student. Or maybe it is, when things do not link with studies.
As mentioned, this would be my final days in the university, after this i'll be graduating and heading home soon. 3-4 more months left before i leave this place, i know i'm definitely going to miss Curtin, and Perth!
Although studies sometimes don't turn out that well, it's fine, maybe. Life is always full with ups and downs. If you cant ccontrol or change the situation, then you have to go with the flow.
Actually, i really wish and hope that i can find a permanent job here and just stick my ass in Perth. It is a lovely place. I like the weather and the people. Also, earning money here is definitely much easier than earning money in Malaysia.
I've tried sending out as many resumes as possible for job applications. But that doesnt seem to help. At this moment, perhaps i should just stick to my part time job and do what i can at the moment. The job is not too bad afterall, just that it has no contribution towards my resume as it does not help me to gain experience in my course of studies.
I really hope to do something that is relevant to my course, maybe an internship will do. But i'm still awaiting replies from those that i've applied. Please God, bless me!
Oh well, so much about the naggings, you must be thinking that i have so much to complain about my life. Maybe i do, but that is not always the case.
I'm happy with what i have now, just trying to voice out all my disatisfaction in one go, since i never really have the chance to do it. *wink* I'm lucky enough to have the chance to go to university and complete my degree, i'm lucky enough to get a part time job while many of my friends are still being unemployed after so many months. I'm lucky enough to even have to chance to study overseas! Many of my friends back home can't even afford to study degree.
Shouldn't i be thankful of all these that i've got in my life? I'm really blessed.
Perhaps, life is not beautiful enough just because i have not put in enough effort to make it more beautiful. I know i'm being lazy sometimes, or maybe most of the time. I guess it's time to wake up and start moving on.
My degree has come to an end and i'm about to graduate soon. I think it marks the sign of me being fully an adult now and should take responsibilities in my life. I should live my life the way it should be and the way i want it. If i want to get something, i should and i must get it, or at least give a try.
Sitting here and keep grumbling bout life definitely does not help. What are you still waiting? Get up! Do something for yourself and live life to the fullest.
May God bless you! cheers! And wishing you all the best!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Week 12 Writing Exercise
People experience different kinds of sad moments in lives, from the death of the closest ones, to the lose of education, being kicked out from school, not having enough to eat, etc.
Well for me, the most important thing is to know how to fall, and get up again. Not giving up your life is an important lesson to learn, yet, it always appears to be really difficult at times.
I guess one of my saddest moments was the few months after high-school. I have a gang of really close high school friends. I only get to know them when i moved to Kuala Lumpur from another state in Malaysia, that was when i was 16.
The time we spent together in high school was merely two years. It is definitely not a short period, but not too long either.
I remember vividly when we have all finished our final exam, and done with high school. During that period, due to some reasons, we seldom meet up again. Most of us were busy doing part-time jobs to fill up the three-month holidays before our result is released.
We were all too busy to keep in touch. And one night, i was sitting in my room alone, reading through the autograph book that i have, with writings and words from my fellow friends before we graduated from high school.
Reading through those words has caused so much pain as i feel like things were not the same anymore. I missed the moments we studied together, been to dancing classes, going to night market, wandering around at the basketball court, fooling with teachers and plenty of other memories. I feel that things have changed.
Then daddy walked into my room, seeing me crying. He asked why, and i told him what i felt. He said: "silly girl, people walk in and out. some might stay, some might not. You'll have to learn to let go." He hugged me in the arms, and gave me comfort.
What daddy said is true, but i'm glad that after the result is released, we've all stopped working and gone back to normal. We called each other out and have gatherings so often. Things have gone back to the beginning. We are close once again.
And it has been 4 years since we graduated from the high school. Eventhough i'm in Perth now, we still keep closely in touch. The day i left malaysia, i have all my closest ones at the airport to send me off. Once again it hurted me so much to have to leave my family and friends, but i know it's a process of growing up. Our friendship will always stay strong and that is my faith.
I'm really glad to have this group of friends, who give me comfort and shelter when i need them the most, to share my life's ups and downs throughout these 6 years. I am fully blessed and i hope we will all appreciate our friendship, and not giving up on each other under any circumstances.
Speaking about closeness, I'm really feeling it when i went back home for two weeks couples of months ago during the semester break. I always thought being outside, studying and living alone, is the best thing that could ever happen for me. I thought being independent is good, yet i ignore the fact of how much my family is needig me.
Going back this time i realise my importance. Dad and Mom have been missing me so much. And i got the return air-tickets as my birthday present for my 21st birthday. I guess they want to see me very much. This time, i spent lots of times with them. I drive my little bro to and back from school. I cooked for my family, watched television programmes with them, talked to them, etc. I might be a grown up now, but deep inside, i'm always still a little child to them. I love it when i get really close with my family, i feel like i'm the gem and always being well taken care of. Again, i know i'm deeply blessed for having such a lovely family. A father who is not strict at all and willing to share thoughts with me, a mother who is lovely with young and modern thinking, and most of all a brother who is ALREADY A GROWN UP but still lives like a baby.
I am a happy little girl, blessed with great family and friends. Some people might complain about their lives a lot. They are sad of the things that they don't have in life. For me, being happy is more than easy. "Appreciate" is all the it takes.
Learn to appreciate, and things will appear to be more beautiful. =) Try it.
Well for me, the most important thing is to know how to fall, and get up again. Not giving up your life is an important lesson to learn, yet, it always appears to be really difficult at times.
I guess one of my saddest moments was the few months after high-school. I have a gang of really close high school friends. I only get to know them when i moved to Kuala Lumpur from another state in Malaysia, that was when i was 16.
The time we spent together in high school was merely two years. It is definitely not a short period, but not too long either.
I remember vividly when we have all finished our final exam, and done with high school. During that period, due to some reasons, we seldom meet up again. Most of us were busy doing part-time jobs to fill up the three-month holidays before our result is released.
We were all too busy to keep in touch. And one night, i was sitting in my room alone, reading through the autograph book that i have, with writings and words from my fellow friends before we graduated from high school.
Reading through those words has caused so much pain as i feel like things were not the same anymore. I missed the moments we studied together, been to dancing classes, going to night market, wandering around at the basketball court, fooling with teachers and plenty of other memories. I feel that things have changed.
Then daddy walked into my room, seeing me crying. He asked why, and i told him what i felt. He said: "silly girl, people walk in and out. some might stay, some might not. You'll have to learn to let go." He hugged me in the arms, and gave me comfort.
What daddy said is true, but i'm glad that after the result is released, we've all stopped working and gone back to normal. We called each other out and have gatherings so often. Things have gone back to the beginning. We are close once again.
And it has been 4 years since we graduated from the high school. Eventhough i'm in Perth now, we still keep closely in touch. The day i left malaysia, i have all my closest ones at the airport to send me off. Once again it hurted me so much to have to leave my family and friends, but i know it's a process of growing up. Our friendship will always stay strong and that is my faith.
I'm really glad to have this group of friends, who give me comfort and shelter when i need them the most, to share my life's ups and downs throughout these 6 years. I am fully blessed and i hope we will all appreciate our friendship, and not giving up on each other under any circumstances.
Speaking about closeness, I'm really feeling it when i went back home for two weeks couples of months ago during the semester break. I always thought being outside, studying and living alone, is the best thing that could ever happen for me. I thought being independent is good, yet i ignore the fact of how much my family is needig me.
Going back this time i realise my importance. Dad and Mom have been missing me so much. And i got the return air-tickets as my birthday present for my 21st birthday. I guess they want to see me very much. This time, i spent lots of times with them. I drive my little bro to and back from school. I cooked for my family, watched television programmes with them, talked to them, etc. I might be a grown up now, but deep inside, i'm always still a little child to them. I love it when i get really close with my family, i feel like i'm the gem and always being well taken care of. Again, i know i'm deeply blessed for having such a lovely family. A father who is not strict at all and willing to share thoughts with me, a mother who is lovely with young and modern thinking, and most of all a brother who is ALREADY A GROWN UP but still lives like a baby.
I am a happy little girl, blessed with great family and friends. Some people might complain about their lives a lot. They are sad of the things that they don't have in life. For me, being happy is more than easy. "Appreciate" is all the it takes.
Learn to appreciate, and things will appear to be more beautiful. =) Try it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Week 11 Writing Exercise
Insecurity
Insecurity is faced almost everyday by every single human beings. It is a kind of natural feelings deep inside that only the person himself or herself can deeply feel and experience.
The kind of insecurity that you feel and the kind of insecurity that I feel are not always the same. I believe insecurity has different kinds of forms and depths and widths. It all depends on the situation and the person who experience it.
I feel insecurity and fear the most when im being in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is now working in Malaysia, and i'm now in Perth. The distance between us both sometimes make me feel the sense of losing him anytime soon. When he is away to work, or has gone clubbing with his friends, i always wonder, if he is gonna miss me, if any other girls are gonna flirt with him. I also fear that he might speed when he is driving, not being careful at work, not knowing how to take good care of himself, etc. There is simply just too much to talk about. I understand that being in a long distance relationship is not easy, it all depends on trust, faith and most of all love. When i feel insecure, or fear, i don't think i don't have the elements of trust, faith and love in my relationship, i think, it is because of the distance.
Knowing the fact that I'm not physically there for him, and we are so far apart, i know there are many times that i am not "in control" of many things that might happen. Not being in control has often caused me fear.
Another moment that i feel insecure is during presentation. The sense of insecurity often comes when i feel that i've lacked of preparation, or the classmates do not really give me response, hardly answer my question, etc. I feel deep inside that maybe i have not done a good job, maybe my speech is boring, or do they even understand or agree with what i've spoken about?! Most of the time insecurity happens to me when i'm unfamiliar with the subject. And i guess this is SO GONNA HAPPEN TO ME NEXT WEEK as i'm gonna present for my idea for a game. Gaming is SO NOT MY CUP OF TEA, but still i'm gonna give it a go as i believe i need more exploring around this area. Sometimes later i might be able to understand why there are so many people who are into games.
When i am fully prepared and know my subject well, mostly i will not feel nervous or insecure. I know i'm gonna do a good job and score above average marks, then i feel confident. However, the first few minutes is crucial. I will always try to arrive early to set up the equipment like test my thumbdrive to see if my work is still there, try the speakers, etc. I believe this is an action from the sense of insecurity as well. We just want to make sure that nothing turns out wrong. It's the fear of having to make mistakes or ruin the whole presentation.
Before i forget i better mention that i am afraid of HEIGHT! I feel so insecure when i look down from a high rise building or something. To share my experience, i once joined a wilderness camp in Langkawi (an island in Malaysia). One of the tasks is to walk across a tiny metal string. Of course they do have some safety things going on like wrapping me around with some sort of security thingy that i have no ideas what that is called. The rule is, i have to open up my hands, not holding on anything and just walk across. Mind u, the height is about THREE STOREYS TALL! i totally freaked out when it's my turn to walk over. I keep holding on the string that ties on to me for safety purposes, not willing to let go. When the instructors told me to open up my arms, i still kept holding on and as a result, the instructors pulled the line and I WAS HANGED THERE, ON AIR! Seriously, i felt like CURSING at that moment! I am seriously afraid of height and having the need to hang in the air for so long is totally torturing for me. I don't know how to get up, don't know how to continue walking on and i just hang there and cried for almost half an hour i guess. How stupid, i know! But please, walking on a string, about the height of three storey is totally not easy for me. I fear that i might just trip and die. What if i really fall and no one is down there to help me, what if i just accidentally break my arms or legs. There is lots of "what if" going through my mind as i am forced to step out from my "comfort zone". I believe it is always not nice for anyone to just step out from the "comfort zone". Again, it means things are not in my control and i feel the fear, or the insecurity.
Insecurity is faced almost everyday by every single human beings. It is a kind of natural feelings deep inside that only the person himself or herself can deeply feel and experience.
The kind of insecurity that you feel and the kind of insecurity that I feel are not always the same. I believe insecurity has different kinds of forms and depths and widths. It all depends on the situation and the person who experience it.
I feel insecurity and fear the most when im being in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is now working in Malaysia, and i'm now in Perth. The distance between us both sometimes make me feel the sense of losing him anytime soon. When he is away to work, or has gone clubbing with his friends, i always wonder, if he is gonna miss me, if any other girls are gonna flirt with him. I also fear that he might speed when he is driving, not being careful at work, not knowing how to take good care of himself, etc. There is simply just too much to talk about. I understand that being in a long distance relationship is not easy, it all depends on trust, faith and most of all love. When i feel insecure, or fear, i don't think i don't have the elements of trust, faith and love in my relationship, i think, it is because of the distance.
Knowing the fact that I'm not physically there for him, and we are so far apart, i know there are many times that i am not "in control" of many things that might happen. Not being in control has often caused me fear.
Another moment that i feel insecure is during presentation. The sense of insecurity often comes when i feel that i've lacked of preparation, or the classmates do not really give me response, hardly answer my question, etc. I feel deep inside that maybe i have not done a good job, maybe my speech is boring, or do they even understand or agree with what i've spoken about?! Most of the time insecurity happens to me when i'm unfamiliar with the subject. And i guess this is SO GONNA HAPPEN TO ME NEXT WEEK as i'm gonna present for my idea for a game. Gaming is SO NOT MY CUP OF TEA, but still i'm gonna give it a go as i believe i need more exploring around this area. Sometimes later i might be able to understand why there are so many people who are into games.
When i am fully prepared and know my subject well, mostly i will not feel nervous or insecure. I know i'm gonna do a good job and score above average marks, then i feel confident. However, the first few minutes is crucial. I will always try to arrive early to set up the equipment like test my thumbdrive to see if my work is still there, try the speakers, etc. I believe this is an action from the sense of insecurity as well. We just want to make sure that nothing turns out wrong. It's the fear of having to make mistakes or ruin the whole presentation.
Before i forget i better mention that i am afraid of HEIGHT! I feel so insecure when i look down from a high rise building or something. To share my experience, i once joined a wilderness camp in Langkawi (an island in Malaysia). One of the tasks is to walk across a tiny metal string. Of course they do have some safety things going on like wrapping me around with some sort of security thingy that i have no ideas what that is called. The rule is, i have to open up my hands, not holding on anything and just walk across. Mind u, the height is about THREE STOREYS TALL! i totally freaked out when it's my turn to walk over. I keep holding on the string that ties on to me for safety purposes, not willing to let go. When the instructors told me to open up my arms, i still kept holding on and as a result, the instructors pulled the line and I WAS HANGED THERE, ON AIR! Seriously, i felt like CURSING at that moment! I am seriously afraid of height and having the need to hang in the air for so long is totally torturing for me. I don't know how to get up, don't know how to continue walking on and i just hang there and cried for almost half an hour i guess. How stupid, i know! But please, walking on a string, about the height of three storey is totally not easy for me. I fear that i might just trip and die. What if i really fall and no one is down there to help me, what if i just accidentally break my arms or legs. There is lots of "what if" going through my mind as i am forced to step out from my "comfort zone". I believe it is always not nice for anyone to just step out from the "comfort zone". Again, it means things are not in my control and i feel the fear, or the insecurity.
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